Shin kun lura cewa kuna yawan zazzage idanunku kuma kuna yawan zagi yayin tattaunawa da abokin tarayya? Wadannan alamu da ake gani a fakaice na rashin kunya ba su da illa. Nuna rashin girmamawa ga abokin tarayya shine mafi munin kisan aure.
Alamun mu a wasu lokuta sun fi balaga fiye da kalmomi kuma suna cin amana na gaskiya ga mutum ba tare da son mu ba. Shekaru 40 yanzu, masanin ilimin halin dan Adam John Gottman, farfesa a fannin ilimin halayyar dan adam a Jami'ar Washington (Seattle), da abokan aikinsa suna nazarin dangantakar abokan aure a cikin aure. Ta yadda ma’aurata suke tattaunawa da juna, masana kimiyya sun koyi yin hasashen tsawon lokacin da tarayyarsu za ta kasance. Game da manyan alamun hudu na kisan aure mai zuwa, wanda John Gottman ya kira "Hudu Horsemen of the Apocalypse", mun fada a nan.
Wadannan alamun sun haɗa da zargi akai-akai, janyewa daga abokin tarayya, da kuma kariya mai tsanani, amma ba su da haɗari kamar maganganun rashin kulawa, waɗannan alamun da ba na magana ba wanda ya nuna cewa ɗaya daga cikin abokan tarayya yana la'akari da ɗayan a ƙarƙashinsa. Ba'a, zagi, zazzafan idanuwa, ban tausayi… Wato duk abin da ya shafi girman kai na abokin tarayya. A cewar John Gottman, wannan ita ce babbar matsala ta duka hudun.
Yadda za a koyi dauke da sakaci da hana saki? Shawarwari bakwai daga masananmu.
1. Sanin cewa duka game da gabatar da bayanai ne
“Matsalar ba ita ce abin da kuke fada ba, amma yadda kuke yi. Abokin zaman ku yana gane raini ta yadda kuke kyalkyali, zage-zage, zage-zage, zazzage idanuwa da huci sosai. Irin wannan ɗabi’a na cutar da dangantaka, yana zubar da amana ga juna, kuma yana kai aure ga mutuwa a hankali. Burin ku shine a ji, dama? Don haka akwai bukatar ku isar da sakon ku ta hanyar da za a ji ba za ta tada rikici ba.” - Christine Wilke, likitan ilimin iyali a Easton, Pennsylvania.
2. Cire kalmar "Ban damu ba!" daga ƙamus ɗin ku
Ta hanyar faɗin irin waɗannan kalmomi, kuna gaya wa abokin tarayya cewa ba za ku saurare shi ba. Ya gane cewa duk abin da yake magana a kai ba ruwan ku. A gaskiya, wannan shine abu na ƙarshe da muke son ji daga abokin tarayya, ko ba haka ba? Nuna halin ko-in-kula (ko da a kaikaice, lokacin da ake ganin raini kawai a cikin fuska da motsin rai) da sauri ya kawo ƙarshen dangantaka. - Aaron Anderson, likitancin iyali a Denver, Colorado.
3. Nisantar zagi da barkwanci
"Ka guji ba'a da sharhi a cikin ruhun "yadda na fahimce ka!" ko "oh, wannan abin ban dariya ne," in ji a cikin sautin caustic. Rage darajar abokin tarayya da ba'a game da shi, gami da game da jinsinsa ("Zan ce kai saurayi ne"). - LeMel Firestone-Palerm, Likitan Iyali.
Lokacin da kuka ce abokin tarayya yana yin karin gishiri ko kuma ya wuce gona da iri, hakika yana nufin cewa tunaninsu ba shi da mahimmanci a gare ku.
4.Kada ka rayu a baya
“Yawancin ma’aurata sun fara nuna rashin mutunta juna yayin da suka tara ƴan ƙaramar da’awar juna. Don guje wa sakaci na juna, kuna buƙatar kasancewa a halin yanzu koyaushe kuma nan da nan raba ra'ayoyin ku tare da abokin tarayya. Shin ba ku gamsu da wani abu ba? Fadi kai tsaye. Amma kuma yarda da ingancin maganganun da abokin tarayya ya yi muku - to a cikin jayayya na gaba tabbas ba za ku tabbata cewa kuna da gaskiya ba. - Judith da Bob Wright, marubutan The Heart of the Fight: Jagorar Ma'aurata zuwa Yaƙe-yaƙe guda 15, Abin da suke nufi da gaske, da kuma yadda za su iya haɗa ku tare da fadace-fadacen gama gari, abin da suke nufi da gaske, da kuma yadda za su iya kusantar ku. Sabbin Harbinger Publications, 2016).
5. Kalli halinka
"Kun lura cewa sau da yawa kuna daga hannu ko murmushi yayin sauraron abokin tarayya, wannan alama ce da ke nuna cewa akwai matsaloli a cikin dangantaka. Nemo damar da za ku huta da juna, musamman ma idan yanayin ya yi zafi, ko kuma ku yi ƙoƙari ku mai da hankali kan abubuwa masu kyau na rayuwar ku, akan abin da kuke so musamman a cikin abokin tarayya. -Chelli Pumphrey, masanin ilimin halayyar dan adam a Denver, Colorado.
6. Kada ka gaya wa abokin tarayya: "Kana wuce gona da iri."
“Lokacin da ka ce wanda kake ƙauna yana yin karin gishiri ko kuma ya wuce gona da iri, hakan yana nufin cewa tunaninsu ba shi da muhimmanci a gare ka. Maimakon dakatar da shi da kalmar "ka yi yawa a zuciya", sauraron ra'ayinsa. Ka yi ƙoƙari ka fahimci menene dalilan irin wannan m dauki, domin ji ba ya tashi kamar haka. – Haruna Anderson.
7. Shin kun kama kanku da rashin mutunci? Ka huta ka ja dogon numfashi
“Ka saita kanka aikin gano menene raini, menene. Sa'an nan kuma gano yadda yake bayyana a cikin dangantakar ku. Lokacin da ka ji sha'awar yin ko faɗi wani abu na wulakanci, yi dogon numfashi kuma cikin nutsuwa ka ce wa kanka, “Dakata.” Ko sami wata hanyar da za ku tsaya. Nuna rashin girmamawa mummunar ɗabi'a ce, kamar shan taba ko cizon farce. Yi ƙoƙarin kuma za ku iya doke shi. " - Bonnie Ray Kennan, masanin ilimin halayyar dan adam a Torrance, California.