Kyakkyawan abokin tarayya - labari ko gaskiya?

Plato ya fara ambata tsoffin halittu waɗanda suka haɗa ƙa'idodin maza da mata a cikin kansu don haka sun dace sosai a cikin tattaunawar "biki". Azzaluman alloli, ganin cikin jituwarsu na barazana ga ikonsu, sun raba mata da maza marasa galihu - waɗanda aka halaka daga lokacin don su nemi abokin aurensu don su maido da amincinsu na dā. Labari mai sauƙi. Amma ko bayan shekara dubu biyu da rabi, ba ta rasa sha’awar ta a gare mu ba. Tatsuniyoyi da tatsuniyoyi suna ciyar da wannan ra'ayi na abokin tarayya mai kyau: alal misali, yarima don Snow White ko Cinderella, wanda, tare da sumba ko kulawa mai laushi, ya mayar da rayuwa da mutunci ga mace mai barci ko matalauta a cikin tatters. Yana da wuya a kawar da waɗannan makircin, amma watakila ya kamata a fahimci su daban.

Muna son saduwa da 'ya'yan itacen tunaninmu

Sigmund Freud shine farkon wanda ya ba da shawarar cewa don neman abokin tarayya mai kyau, muna saduwa da waɗanda suka rigaya a cikin suma. "Neman wani abu na soyayya a ƙarshe yana nufin sake gano shi" - watakila wannan shine yadda za a iya samar da dokar jan hankalin mutane. Af, Marcel Proust yana nufin abu ɗaya ne lokacin da ya ce da farko muna zana mutum a cikin tunaninmu kuma sai mu hadu da shi a rayuwa ta ainihi. “Aboki yana jan hankalinmu saboda siffarsa tana rayuwa a cikinmu tun yana ƙuruciya,” in ji wani masanin ilimin halin dan Adam Tatyana Alavidze, “saboda haka, kyakkyawan basarake ko gimbiya mutum ne da muka daɗe muna jira kuma muka “sani.” Ina?

Kyakkyawan dangantaka mai kyau, wanda za'a iya taƙaita shi a matsayin "lada 100%, 0% rikici," ya dawo da mu zuwa farkon matakan rayuwa lokacin da jariri ya gane a matsayin manufa kuma marar lahani kasancewarsa babba wanda ke kula da shi, wato, yawanci uwa. A lokaci guda kuma, mafarkin irin wannan dangantaka yana da alama ya fi bayyana a cikin mata. "Suna kai wa ga hakan sau da yawa saboda suna da sha'awar sake cikawa," in ji masanin ilimin halin dan Adam Hélène Vecchiali. — Dole ne mu yarda: komai soyayyar mutum, da kyar ya kalli mace da irin wannan tsantsar soyayyar da uwa ke kallon jaririn da aka haifa da ita. Kuma ko da a fili ba haka lamarin yake ba, macen har yanzu ba ta sani ba ta yarda cewa ita ce ƙasa. A sakamakon haka, kawai cikakken mutum mai manufa zai iya gyara mata "ƙasa", wanda kamalarsa "tabbatar" kamala ga kanta. Wannan manufa, cikakkiyar abokin tarayya mai dacewa shine wanda zai nuna cewa tana da sha'awar wanda ita ce.

Muna zaɓar siffar iyaye

Siffar uba yana da matuƙar mahimmanci ga mace a sume. Shin hakan yana nufin cewa abokin tarayya da ya dace ya zama kamar uba? Ba lallai ba ne. Daga ra'ayi na psychoanalysis a cikin balagagge dangantaka, muna daidaita abokin tarayya tare da hotuna na iyaye - amma ko dai tare da ƙari alama ko ragi alama. Yana jawo mu sosai domin halayensa sun yi kama da (ko, akasin haka, musun) siffar uba ko uwa. "A cikin ilimin halin ɗan adam, ana kiran wannan zaɓin "neman Oedipus," in ji Tatyana Alavidze. - Bugu da ƙari, ko da mun yi ƙoƙari mu yi ƙoƙari mu zaɓi "wanda ba iyaye ba" - mace ba kamar mahaifiyarta ba, namiji ba kamar mahaifinta ba, wannan yana nufin dacewa da rikici na ciki da kuma sha'awar warware shi "a akasin haka". Halin tsaro na yaro yawanci yana hade da hoton mahaifiyar, wanda za'a iya bayyana shi a cikin hoton babban abokin tarayya. "Mutumin bakin ciki a cikin irin waɗannan nau'ikan nau'i-nau'i yakan yi ƙoƙari don "uwa mai shayarwa", wanda kamar "shanye shi" a cikin kanta kuma yana kare shi, in ji Tatyana Alavidze. "Haka ne ga macen da ta fi son manyan maza."

"Muna sha'awar waɗanda ke da siffofi na maza da na mata," in ji Svetlana Fedorova, masanin ilimin halayyar ɗan adam. Idan muka ga bayyanar namiji da mace, muna zato a cikin mutum wanda yayi kama da mahaifinmu, sannan ga mahaifiyarmu. Wannan ya dawo da mu cikin ruɗin farko na ɗabi’a biyu, wanda ke da alaƙa da ma’anar rashin ƙarfi na jarirai.”

Gabaɗaya, duk da haka, zai zama butulci don tunanin cewa muna “sanya” a kan abokan hulɗar bayyanar iyayenmu. A hakikanin gaskiya, hoton su ya zo daidai ba tare da uba ko uwa na ainihi ba, amma tare da waɗannan ra'ayoyin da ba su sani ba game da iyaye waɗanda muke tasowa a cikin zurfin ƙuruciya.

Muna neman tsinkaye daban-daban na kanmu

Shin muna da buƙatun gabaɗaya don kyakkyawan yarima ko gimbiya? Tabbas, dole ne su kasance masu ban sha'awa, amma manufar sha'awa ta bambanta daga karni zuwa karni kuma daga al'ada zuwa al'ada. "Zaɓin "mafi-mafi", babu makawa muna amfani da ɓoyayyun ra'ayoyin game da kanmu, mu aiwatar da su a kan abin da ake ƙauna," Svetlana Fedorova ta bayyana abubuwan da muke sha'awar. Ko dai mu dangana ga manufa da cancantar da mu kanmu aka ba mu, ko kuma, akasin haka, ya ƙunshi abin da (kamar yadda muke tunani) ya rasa. Misali, ba tare da sani ba tana la'akari da kanta wawa da butulci, mace za ta sami abokiyar zama wacce za ta ƙunshi hikima da ikon yanke mata shawarar manya - don haka ta sanya shi alhakin kanta, don haka mara ƙarfi da karewa.

Hakanan zamu iya "ba da" ga wani waɗannan halayen da ba mu so a cikin kanmu - a cikin wannan yanayin, abokin tarayya ya zama mutumin da ya fi mu rauni, wanda ke da matsalolin da muke da shi, amma a cikin wani nau'i mai mahimmanci. . A cikin psychoanalysis, wannan dabara da ake kira «musanya dissociations» - shi ba mu damar lura da namu shortcomings, yayin da abokin tarayya ya zama mai ɗaukar duk waɗanda kaddarorin da ba mu so a cikin kanmu. Bari mu ce, don ɓoye tsoron aikinta, mace kawai za ta iya soyayya da marasa ƙarfi, maza masu rashin tunani waɗanda ke fama da damuwa.

Wani muhimmin al'amari na sha'awa shine haɗuwa da kyau da rashin daidaituwa, kaifi, har ma da siffofi masu banƙyama a cikin bayyanar. Svetlana Fedorova ta ce: "Kyakkyawa a gare mu a alamance yana tattare da ilhami na rayuwa, kuma sha'awar kuskure, munanan sifofi suna da alaƙa da dabi'ar mutuwa," in ji Svetlana Fedorova. – Waɗannan ilhami guda biyu su ne manyan abubuwan da ba mu sani ba kuma suna da alaƙa da juna. Idan aka hada su a cikin sifofin mutum daya, abin ban sha'awa, wannan yana sanya shi sha'awa musamman. Da kansu, sifofin da ba daidai ba suna tsoratar da mu, amma lokacin da kuzarin rayuwa ya motsa su, wannan ba kawai ya sulhunta mu da su ba, har ma yana cika su da fara'a.

Dole ne mu binne manufa na jarirai

Kwatankwacin da abokin tarayya an yi la'akari da al'ada daya daga cikin mafi muhimmanci ma'auni don manufa hade da «halves». Ba wai kawai haɗin kai na halayen halayen ba, har ma da dandano na kowa, dabi'u na gama gari, kusan matakin al'adu iri ɗaya da da'irar zamantakewa - duk wannan yana taimakawa wajen kafa dangantaka. Amma wannan bai isa ga masana ilimin halayyar dan adam ba. “Tabbas muna bukatar mu zo soyayya da bambance-bambancen abokin zamanmu. A bayyane yake, wannan ita ce hanya ɗaya tilo ta dangantaka mai jituwa,” in ji Helen Vecchiali.

Don zama tare da wani wanda muka dauka kashe pedestal, wato, mun wuce mataki na yarda shortcomings, inuwa bangarorin (samu duka a cikinsa da kuma a kanmu), yana nufin binne «jarirai» manufa na abokin tarayya. Kuma don samun damar ƙarshe nemo cikakkiyar abokin tarayya ga babba. Yana da wuya mace ta yi imani da irin wannan soyayya - soyayyar da ba ta rufe idanunta ga kurakurai. ba neman boye su ba, Helen Vecchiali ta yi imani. Ta yi imanin cewa ya kamata mata su bi ta hanyar farawa - don gano kuma a ƙarshe gane cikar su, ba tare da tsammanin cewa abokin tarayya mai kyau zai kawo shi ba. A wasu kalmomi, juya sanadi da sakamako. Wataƙila wannan yana da ma'ana: ba tare da samun jituwa a cikin dangantaka da kai ba, yana da wuya a ƙidaya shi a cikin haɗin gwiwa. Ba za ku iya gina ma'aurata masu ƙarfi ba, la'akari da kanku ba ku dace da gina dutse ba. Kuma abokin tarayya (dutse mara amfani) ba zai taimaka a nan ba.

"Yana da mahimmanci a daina gaskata cewa abokin tarayya mai kyau shine "daidai da ni" ko wanda ya cika ni., ya jaddada Helen Vecchiali. - Tabbas, don kar sha'awar ma'aurata su mutu, dole ne a sami daidaituwa. Amma ƙari, dole ne a sami bambanci. Kuma hakan ma ya fi muhimmanci.” Ta yi imanin cewa lokaci ya yi da za a sake duba labarin "biyu halves". Mafarki na kyakkyawan basarake ko abokiyar aure yana hana mu ci gaba saboda sun dogara ne akan ra'ayin cewa ni ɗan ƙasa ne mai neman "abin da ya kasance", sananne kuma sananne. Dole ne mutum ya yi fatan haduwa da cikakkun halittu guda biyu, wadanda gaba daya suka juya baya baya, amma gaba. Su kaɗai ne za su iya ƙirƙirar sabuwar ƙungiyar mutane biyu. Irin wannan haɗin gwiwa, wanda ba biyu ba ne ya zama ɗaya, amma ɗaya da ɗaya, kowanne a cikin kansa, ya zama uku: su da al'ummarsu tare da makomarta marar iyaka mai cike da damar jin dadi.